I drink my Nyquil from a Listerine cup;
On shrunken peas and bacon fat I nightly sup.
Over at the Legion, I had a kiwi fruit;
The longshoremen laughed at my series of loud toots.
Downed a Shirley Temple, licked my vanity mirror;
Dropped Fred Flintstone overalls to roof-raising jeers.
Scrubbed my ass with a hemlock switch, downed my meds;
Ate twenty packs of M and Ms including all reds.
A boozy harpie smiled and sat upon my knee.
Trapped, I yelled, "ethereal slut!", then tried to flee.
She brained me with a schooner mug, kissed my mouth;
Much to my horror, there were stirrings from down south.
I tongued her dentures, she bit my lip and hollered,
Ran to the bouncer who grabbed my pink dog collar.
He put cinnamon sticks up my nose; I peed my pants.
Longshoremen howled on the floor (as I stole a glance).
They booted my ass out the door; I wept like a child.
Jesus had some followers, but I'm more meek and mild.