New Reviews -- and a World Premiere play!

My review of Ken Babstock's Methodist Hatchet is out in the newly published #62 edition of subTerrain. And since my long blogging absence, subTerrain #61 contains my review of Robert J. Wiersema's personal memoir and Bruce Springsteen odyssey, Walk Like A Man. I'd also like to put in a good word for Jon Boilard's "Storm Chaser", his terrific short story in #61.

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DEBATE AND SWITCH

Players:

BARRY OBUMMAH

MITT BOMBNEY

JIM LAIRER

LAIRER

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We’re here at historic Denver University, where the students are as high as the altitude after discovering – post-acceptance – that their $100,000 tuition extraction won’t get them an interview as a clerk at “Organic Beans ‘R’ Us” after the four year parade of cultural sensitivity training. High on forgetting about it, that is. Speaking of forgettable, here are our two contestants tonight. A Mister Mitt Bombney  from Detroit by way of Massachusetts, and a Mister Barry Obummah, residing president of these divided States. Gentlemen, let’s begin. Mr Obummah, you won the pre-debate dwarf toss. You’ll go first. The first question is: just what is this thing we all call the economy anyway, and why should we care about it so much?

OBUMMAH

Good question, Jim. Well, the economy is largely about creating these instruments called CDOs, CDs, CDSs, reverse swaps, equity balance holdings, first issuance guarantees, golden parachute rewards, instigation perks, in-house bonuses, all based on cross-board mutual benefit printing of paper sent to the banks at zero per cent interest and which the federal government acquires at, likewise, no risk. We should care about this because – hey!  manufacturing has crossed the ocean like rats from a burning bridge, or, just to mangle metaphors even more, because the people expect coffee and sex – or failing that—food and entertainment for their daily grind. How’m I doing so far, Jim?

LAIRER

Instapoll on my ipad says your lead has just dwindled from 50% of committed voters to 34% of voters who’ve been committed. Mr Bombney, response?

BOMBNEY

Damn tootin’, Jim! I’ve moved up without even moving my mouth! Need I say anything? OK, here goes. Our economy is based on value of service for value of reception. Supply and demand, that is. The people supply their labor and expertise, and we, all of us, are rewarded in the collective pool. I – just to use my own contribution – set up a financial equity racket – er, market – which people invest in since they have no clue what to do with their hard-earned money, and who are worried about the future. I hire some people to my project, who pay taxes and go to church, and they do my work. Then the people, after the various marketing games, buy our products, in which they assume all risk, and we make, on average, 42% of their rolled-over bottom line on mark-ups, front- and back-end fees, administrative fees, hidden fees (I gotta eat!) advertizing expenses, breakage rates, annual fees, and volatility/adjustment fees, all at NO risk. Of course, the game has morphed into something even more awesome these years since with our wealth, we can game the system even more with the microsecond proprietary buys on sweeping trades all day long. This adds to our bottom line and makes America stronger for what makes America stronger – people who believe in the American dream and who go on to create and develop small businesses just like ours. The economy is important because without it, I wouldn’t have a chance to become president of the Unites States since even I can't turn a dollar into a billion . So it's promises made for those wonderful donors. But you can't trump being the head bureaucrat while touting one's entrepreneurial boned-up feed days.

LAIRER

Next question. Mr Obummah, today is your anniversary. Any message to newlyweds or to those looking to raise a family in these hard economic times?

OBUMMAH

Abortions for everyone! But seriously, anyone who wants to keep their kids, we need you. The Democrats need your future votes. Well, that’s kinda silly, I guess. I can’t really speak to those people yet, and when it’s possible, I’ll be dead or at least out of power. So who cares.

LAIRER

Mr Bombney, how do we reduce the deficit?

BOMBNEY

Smoke and mirrors, Jim. I will reduce it by increasing the budget for the military. I’ll also slash services to the bone while reducing the tax burden for businesses who’ll just pocket the money we give them since confidence in the economy won’t perk up by my numbers I seem to have little idea of where they come from. A trillion a year for the troops overseas is about right. And that’s why we need to develop more oil and gas right here in our backyard. Maybe there’ll be another Pennsylvania black gush, like in that Beverley Hills pre-show. Always liked granny’s grittiness. That’s what America is all about. Grannies making lye soap in the kitchen. Thrift, hard work and inventiveness. That reminds me –

LAIRER

Sorry, Mr Bombney, but we must move on  --

BOMBNEY

Not so fast, Jim. You know, I like you. But when elected, I’ll fire Big Bird AND you. China will not finance PBS, even if it does subsidize everything else about this country, including  my paycheck. Our phony  unemployment figures  and job future, well – those federal reports come in handy.

LAIRER

Mr President, anything to say?.

OBUMMAH

You  know, I may not have a teleprompter in front of me, so I’d just like to say, blah blah blah – and blah blah. It’s cool to go off-topic and converse with the American people in down home terms, unafraid of having that damn scroll get stuck mid-sentence pitch on some godforsaken dump in Louisiana where the yokels with guns are a-teeming yet quiet, and there's that one nasty camera crew who catches the slip. I’d reduce the deficit by continuing with the stagnant policies of big government that have marked my tenure here so far. Tenure – now there’s a word for you university types. When I moved up the ladder in Harvard, I got that tenure shit down straight up. Mystery grades, and no one can vouch for me, but those Chicaga connections. Man, every day was like Willie Dixon in one joint, Muddy Waters in the next, and Otis Rush across the street. It’s who you know, babe. I can organize that shit. And it’s my community. Where was I? Yeah, tenure. Kids, don’t worry about those staggering university debts. Uncle Barry gives you the out till you’re twenty-six. It’s called deferred gratification. Er, make that impossible gratification. See, those jobs are just gonna get farther into the rear view mirror. So your debt will continue to climb. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it don’t matter since I don’t care about the second term. This Jesus fawner can have my job. I can’t go out for a cigarette these days without some image flak coming up to me and telling me the next line to correct some other mistake I was supposed to have made. Hell with that shit, man. He can have it in January. I’ll chill and resume my poetry career I dropped out of in my freshman year. Obummahcare! Yeah, the insurance companies' dream. Students and patients. Etherized upon a table. Or some such.

LAIRER

Last question. Mr Bombney, how will you get people back to work in this country?

BOMBNEY

The American people are vigorous and full of ideas. They just need someone to convince them the entrepreneurial spirit won’t get crushed by government oversight and negligence. Of course, I have no idea how that inventiveness will be rewarded since the suburban build-out everything is predicated upon in this country is now at an end. But me? It’s great being a big part of the bureaucracy. I’m risk averse.

LAIRER

Thank you, gentlemen. And thank you, America, for listening, and Denver University for providing the pretense of having this cloaked as an intellectual discussion.