Oops, I started at Chapter 5, it seems. OK, let's forget about Chapter 1, which is both lyrically and narratively dead. Here's St. John, Chapter 2:
1) And the third day there was a marriage at the Blue Plate Special of the Golden Seals Cafe whereupon the mother of Jesus happened by.
2) And Jesus received an invitation in mysterious parchment-velcro whilst he was imbibing Tropical Punch and answering fan mail.
3) And he entered the dowdy cafe; and when the besotted patrons wanted wine, the mother of Jesus said unto her Son: "Son, getcher ass in gear!"
4) Jesus said unto her: "Woman, what have I to do with inferior grape and stifling conversation and chicanerous bingo and carpenters' tales of injuries? Be still, and hold thy furrowed tongue!"
5) His mother said unto the butler and maid: "Lo! He has spoken, and it doesn't brook entreaties or misapplication. Hop to it, dissemblers of yore, you're called upon to produce unvile fruit essences and gracious spontaneous origami."
6) There were six barflies and only five pitchers of the dregs of Baby Duck 'Big Red Hosebeast Deluxe' Burgundy left.
7) Jesus said unto the servants: "Fill the pitchers with the promise of Pinor Grigorion Chant." And the vessels were filled to the brim.
8) And he continued: "Get thee more flagons, and pretend to be interested in the wedding proceedings." And it was so.
9) When the bride's and bridegroom's families tasted of the wetness of the Duck, they were confused as to its year and field origination, and they made the Sign of the Flabberghasted Gringo to each other in frenzied hand morse code.
10) And each said unto Jesus: "Every man usually gulps the best stuff, and plonks down the basest plonk to the guests, but you have saved the strongest panty-dropping alcohol for us. Bless you, cross-eyed Messiah!"
11) Then Jesus began showing off with facile and superfluous expositions of a veritable laundry list of miracles: teaching Ernest Borgnine to surf the net unprotected; berating O.J. Simpson on the golf course with bad Thanksgiving jokes, and having the desired effect; turning dangling chads into municipal landslides.
12) The whole gang then went to the haberdasher's for some fine trim.
13) And the passout was about to begin, and Jesus stepped forth in raiments of ox-hair.
14) And he found in the temple the players of mumbly-peg, of loonie-toss, of pin-the-tail-on-the-camel, and of find-the-hidden-bennies-under-the-cup, that they were in an uproar of orgiastic monotheistic worship to Mammonographitic mammary-inspecting moolah-twisting mirages.
15) And when he had made a helical wet towel, he set about whirlpooling the tattered asses of the layabouts, shouting: "Vile profiteers! Trolloping transients! Wooden raspberries!"
16) And he was quite pissed, and continued: "Strep throats for you all, and may the bringer of wine forget to drop down your chimneys!"
17) And they quaked fairly somber and chastened.
18) And the gawkers intoned: "Mighty fine, head Man. Which way to the disco?"
19) Jesus answered: "Take two lefts, then a crooked right, then strike your staffs on the pebbly interlude which passeth all understanding at the Sign of the Goode Eats, then hand in your property tokens to the kickback toll collector, then proceed onto the finest of lawns to the Great Donna Summer Festive Hip-Shakin' Booty Call Bonanza."
20) Then said the partiers: "Forty and six years hast it been since anyone gave us the sign for the entrance to this most holiest of boogie shrines. Thank you, kind Sir!"
21) But Jesus intervened: "Some will say to pay attention to the temple of the temples, but when you're old and grey, and played out like Borgnine, you will realize that the temple of the body is where it's at, Dudes!"
22) When Jesus had risen from the dead (gawd, talk about a poor segue), His disciples remembered the time with fondness, somewhat akin to those days when sheep were created on the second day, and women on the 4, 657th. More sex-- less fighting.
23) When He passed over, He passed out. And the disciples emitted vile shrieks and waved silly placards.
24) But Jesus ignored the calumny and contiunued with His crossword puzzle.
25) And He read the minds of the infidels, and drew an inside straight.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
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