Monday, March 31, 2008

Of Foot Rubs and Fatherly Angst


(Chapter 4)

1) When the Pharoah diocese heard that Jesus had baptized more Shriners than all the county Legion halls combined, they were fair and mickle peeved.

2) (Though Jesus used only the water of the stagnant Thames so's not to be in a conflict of interest with "Holy Waters Inc.-- Your First and Only Stop For Matters Miraculous").

3) He left the outskirts of town, and fell in with the Pneumatic Drillers Union in the miniskirts of the Elite.

4) And He must needs ended up in Bumsmell, a port town of some mysterious notoriety.

5) He wandered far and agog, and quenched his thirst with Gatorade Extra, as the sweat popped out of his upper lip like forty-four triple D tits will do when the bustier snaps.

6) He satteth down upon Jacob's distillery paraphernalia.

7) A woman of some delicacy and grace sashayed to the well to fetch a pail of water, and Jesus saith: "Give me five, up high!"

8) (For his disciples were in Bumsmell learning to play croquet for large stakes.)

9) And the woman saith unto the Holiest of Holies: "Why do you appear dressed in basketball garb when the nearest hoop playground is in the next county?"

10) Jesus answered forthwith: "If thou hast the skill set of Michael Jordan flying the magic carpet, it behooves one to relish the moment." ("Seize the day" had yet to be uttered as a pop slogan.)

11) The woman replied: "Sir, the well is dry, as is your tongue and my panties. I fear we are missing the opportunity of a millenium, but would not be so bold as to make a comely suggestion", whilst batting false eyelashes as a flock of crows scattered from her hooped tresses.

12) She continued: "Art Thou greater in length and girth than Wilt the Stilt, the seven footer who populated an entire town with his voluminous seed?"

13) Jesus answered and said unto her: "Whosoever drinketh of this water shall thirst again."

14) "But whosoever abstains from the 'Holy Water', well ..... scales shall fall from her eyes, great stinking octopi shall heave their tentacles around her midriff, and the Staple Sisters shall serenade her unto eternity while great pump organs intone 'Nearer My God To Thee' backed by the electric zither."

15) The woman saith: "Lord, you done scare the Beejeesus outta me. Hit me up with the Holy Juice!"

16) Jesus answered: "Call thy husband to me."

17) The woman saith: "I have no husband, and my vibrator collection is useless since the plug-ins are on the blink again.

18) And Jesus answered: "Thy hast had five husbands, and not one of them hast been Ernest Borgnine. Time to rectify the situation with the automatic giver of everflowing seed of the burgeoning dominion."

19) The woman replied: "Sir, I see that you get kickbacks from Ernest, and are in conflict of interest. What hast Thou to say in your defense?"

20) And continuing: "Our brothers worshipped in these fallow fields, and the crow flies westward over heavy onsets of acid rain."

21) Jesus responded immediately: "Woman, believeth me, the hour has come when you will wonder why your collars are not whiter than white, and your 'good hair days' are a thing of the past."

22) "Ye worship false dance gigolos, and fear constantly a return to retro disco."

23) "But the hour cometh when all the record spinners will lie in their graves like slaughtered oxen, unable to give breath to the changing of the genres."

24) "Let the Spirit move you, Sister, and your hips will shake again."

25) The woman saith: "I know that the Messiah has me on His short list, even though I am a respectable 5'8"."

26) Jesus saith: "I am He, woman. Gimme a foot rub, and pronto! My bunions are aching like a rotting tooth from Vincent Price's mouth!"

27) And soon His disciples sauntered by, and were amazed that Jesus had shot no hoops in the interim.

28) The woman then left the side of the well, and moseyed on back to the purlieus of Bumsmell, and saith to the men there:

29) "Come and see the man they call 'The Bringer of the Herb' and 'The Last Great White Hope' or alternately 'The First of the Bo-Peepin's'.

30) Then they followed her heels with deadly hangovers, the walls of the cement expanding like blasted fruitcakes left in the oven at 400 degrees.

31) In the meantime, Jesus' disciples praised him over-sycophantically, saying: "Can I rub Your tootsies, O follicly unchallenged One?", and "Tell me again of the wayward handmaidens."

32) But Jesus responded unto them: "Yay and forsooth, O bibulous ones, I will take my meat on a silver plate, but the condiments have dried up. Who shall I pray to in this fetid desert when the one who prays is the Top Dog, the Head Honcho of the Roost, the Destroyer of Verities, the Ingester of Banalities, the Keeper of the Bored, the Minder of Manners, and the Wellspring of the Wandering Boilermakers' Union Adjunct?"

33) Therefore the disciples looked each other over like confused pelicans about to be billed for an order they hadn't commanded.

34) Jesus continued: "My wish is to genuflect to Someone, but to whom? .... as the Father Head Cheese naps frequently and my thoughts go amiss in this vaporous sand-ghetto."

35) "But betimes and away, I repeat anyway, the harvest happens anon, so gird thy loins for the power-planting. Power-point teleprompter conference at 8 o'clock."

36) "He that reapeth receiveth deepeth pockets of pummelled pelf palaver, slavering dogs of doom hovering nonetheless on rose petals brocaded with imperious footstools of balm-juice extracts. Rejoice!"

37) "One sows; another keeps."

38) "Others are interred for their labours, but whosoever watches the news at nine knows no circumscription of diseased billfolds."

39) And the hungover minions and stray sheep bleated ferociously, the clouds having empurpled monstrously into the shape of Borgnine's gluteous multi-maximus.

40) The heavens filled with leprous harridans, and the corridors of Montezuma were bespoken with cracked rim-worshipping unknown saints, throwrugs heaping on their diamonded foreheads.

41) And many and fearful and amazing visions were undergone, but at mach-speed times infinity cubed, so that painful recall was happening in the future.

42) And the woman returned, and gestured for the Magna Carta to be read in worshipful silence.

43) Jesus departed, and went into the House of Whee.

44) For Jesus Himself testified that a man had no honour in his own northfarthingshire.

45) The Whee-ites welcomed Jesus with open bankbooks, and set about in creating the feast of feasts.

46) And Jesus began fleecing the locals out of their brass farthings with cheesy card tricks out of sheer boredom.

47) A nobleman came upon Jesus and asked that He heal his son, who was ill with vertigo, impetigo, reverse lumbar-lumbago, and tropical rumba-infestivo.

48) Then Jesus intoned: "Except that ye believe in the words of the Fath Healers of the bailiwicks of the shantytowns of Pago-Pago Boutras-Boutras Addis-Ababa-anian Tora! Tora!, ye shall have angst-ridden ordeals to navigate whenever the Sign of the Oman Obdurate is made under the eleventh hour in the moon-craters of Times Square, Amen!"

49) The nobleman saith: "Dost Thou speaketh in riddles, and avert my attention from my pressing ordeal? Come with me, I beg!"

50) Jesus said: "Your son is passing a great gallstone the size and approximate countenance of Brittany Spears newly-gaped noggin!"

51) The disciples gathered, and were amazed at the gallstone's evolution and many-changing colors.

52) Then they all went to celebrate at the Feast of the Wild Stoat.

53) Then the Father Himself awoke with a long groan, and promptly hit the snooze button.

54) This is another in the series of miracles that Jesus did, all to gain adherents for protection.

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