Saturday, March 22, 2008

St. John Continued


(Chapter 6)

1) After running out of rhetorical steam, Jesus relaxed by anointing his head in a mixture of lime kool-aid and Hires' Root Beer. Then, he massaged the temples of his BIG head with eucalyptus leaves crushed into panties retrieved from the stage after the excited front-row tossings of the gentler sex.

2) And folk-clusters followed him like cockamamie Cocker Spaniels smelling Alpo on the Great One's tunic.

3) And Jesus went upon a mountaintop, and played a vicious game of three-pack canasta with James, Bartholomew, Matthew, Ringo, George, Paul, and John.

4) And the passout was nigh.

5) When Jesus saw that there were those who begged for food without the proper amount of foodstamps, he became troubled, and in his compassion, said unto Philip: "How much of that spongy white bread's in the brown paper bag, Dude?"

6) And Jesus then cut out all the crusts, and fed them to Satan.

7) Philip answered Jesus: "We have not enough, O assist-maker of the parquet floors."

8) Andrew then bespoke:

9) "A Union secretary here has four loaves and two carp, but surely this will not suffice."

10) But Jesus said, very coolly and with much somnolence: "Tell that Dude to sit his ass upon my frond cushion."

11) Then Jesus waved his hands over the bread and fish, and a tumescence of purple-black cumulous sprung in vaulting whorls towards the five-thousand-strong crowd, who, agape and agog, nevertheless had the presence of mind to record it all on their camcorders and digital cameras.

12) When the smoke had cleared, great football fields full of pita bread, rye loaves, pumpernickel plenitudes, and essene extras, along with seven thousand wide and teeming seine-nets of tuna and wide-mouth bass splatted at the feet of the astonished crowd.

13) After a brief and stunned silence, the feverish legions began gorging themselves on the miraculous feast with great relish (hamburger) , but were fair and exceedingly thirsty, so Jesus opened the wine vault at the back of the illegal distillery, and filled the smelly shoes of the voyagers to the brim of their ankle-support Nike Air-Stream Jordans with the grape.

14) Some, when they were finished, bowed before Jesus, while others thanked the Holy One by loud and repeated belches.

15) They even had enough left for doggy bags.

16) The disciples then went for a quick skinnydip.

17) But Jesus said: "Hey, half-hour before you go in the water after such a big meal!"

18) And the sea arose with arms of Shelley Winters escaping the Titanic, and swept across the shore with a daunting pass.

19) And, though they had retired to a rickety scow, and were sore afraid, they witnessed Jesus walking on water while nonchalantly picking his teeth with the royal post-prandial golden sliver.

20) Jesus said: "Don't try this at home, kids."

21) Then Jesus stepped on board, and the scow immediately sunk. But they had on lifejackets of wooly velcro, and dogpaddled to safety while simultaneously swatting each other about the ears, ala Laurel and Hardy.

22) Jesus then slept off his feast, and awoke with a hankering for a rum and eggnog.

23) But the Royal Cooler was empty, and the Father laughed in the Highest of Heavens while he switched channels.

24) The disciples looked for Jesus in Tuscon-of-the-Desert, but found instead only a trail of ersatz ricecakes.

25) Then, after the peyote buttons had kicked in, they saw Jesus again on the hovering water.

26) Jesus said unto them: "Verily and truly, I say ye revere me not because I am the Saviour, but because ye have full bellies and wish to suck up some more for the prospect of a nightcap."

27) "Labour not for the sacrilegious beatitudes of oversized disco medallions, but make haste to stuff your craws before I'm gone, and Ernest is back to replenish his depleted (by his enormous standards) belly.

28) Then they said: "What shall we do when Ernest smiles that Dentyne smile, and recruits us for his minions?"

29) Jesus answered: " Stuff his face with a stale loaf, then hightail it off his overpriced dancefloor."

30) The disciples continued: "show us a further sign, that we may record it for posterity (and for the exhorbitant resale value)."

31) "We break bread with thee, but the weevils returneth anon."

32) Then Jesus answered: "Verily, etcc... you may have eaten the best of the oven-baked booty, but Thy Father Art up there in Heaven has the best buttered scones."

33) "For the bread of Heaven costs less than the overflowing weed, and dental floss has now been invented (though well after the promised eighth day).

34) Then the multitude zoned out after the pig-out, while a few of the celestial custodians began tossing dwarves about to clear the area (as well as for malicious fun).

35) And Jesus went unto them, and said: " Put the smallest ones in the Heavenly gunnysack, then spread ashes on your foreheads. Spit three times on the dusty ground, while simultaneously rubbing one out and whistling "Do You Know The Way To San Jose?", and when the moon is full and Pisces is in the seventh house, the ravens will cavort with the pigeons and the garbagemen will work on Sundays. The rams will spread prophecies in cryptic code with the umbilical cords of their second-born, and the gophers will laugh in the hills. Fungo bats will give birth to quintuplets, and raccoons will stampede the unlatched pantries....."

36) "....Excuse me while I take another hit....."

37) "All that the Father giveth unto me shall bear the sign of the Seal of the Cross-Eyed Rosicrucians, drunk but with athlete's elbow from overuse of the secret handshake and bending back the Guinness."

38) "And the petals of wildflowers shall breeze faintly like the filmy mists of predawn filtering through the backlanes of the ghetto haberdasheries."

39) "And it is the Father's will that ye shall undertake great sacrifice and consternation over just what channels to select when digital comes on-line."

40) "Whosoever believeth in Him shall have everlasting removal of bunions, Amen!"

41) The accountants then began to mumble and whisper in rude quaintness, while Jesus flossed His teeth, danced a sprightly impromptu jig, regaled a Jehovah's witness, stole a communion wafer, and spritzed Dentyne-Mist onto his healthy pink gums.

42) And the accountants were upset that the official tax-return forms in triplicate were neglected, scuffed and stamped upon in the furious dust.

43) And Jesus responded: "Do not murmur among yourselves, goggle-eyed ones of the interfering offices."

44) "No man shall come unto me, for I am heterosexual, (and not asexual, as the future scriptural dissemblers would have everyone to believe.)"

45) "And whosoever hast returned the bottles to the nearest depot shall increase their good karma, and should wear the raiments of gold-brocaded Tarzan suits with pride."

46) "And whosover gets a peek of the Father should wear sunglasses, for it is akin to the total eclipse at forty paces."

47) "Whosoever believeth in me shall have incremental life, with a free magazine subscription to Wildebeest Monthly."

48) "I have the Holy Bread, and the Pacifying Herb."

49)" Your fathers did not eat manna in the desert, and also abstained from the plentiful Perrier springs, and for their sins, had to resort to environmentally compromised retsina."

50) "This is the bread of the Bank of Nova Scotia, with buttered debentures and free cleaning for your dentures."

51) "Eat of my body, say some renditions of the Holy Word, but I prefer not to be boiled in a large kettle in the hidden rainforests of Zaire for such delectation."

52) The accountants then began a-murmuring again, which really, really pissed Jesus off.

53) Jesus said unto them: "Look! Lickspittles of the yellowed and parched secular word-- this is your last warning: one more peep, and I call sleeping Daddy to fry your loins in a furious plague of spit-turned broiler pokes!"

54) "Whosoever drinketh my blood and eateth of my flesh shall enter the Satanic halls of doom-- I have no wish to be party to a screwball cult!"

55) "For my flesh is young and tanned, and my blood is type A."

56) "Whosoever dares to eat my flesh and drink my blood shall get a sore tummy-- which serves whomsoever right, so there!"

57) "And when my Father finds out of this madness, He shall rain soggy invoices down upon the heads of the heathens, and the Heavens shall close up before 5 p.m. (daylight savings time not withstanding)."

58) "The bread is plentiful, but the county jail has much space."

59) These things said Jesus on the makeshift pulpit, amid assorted pickup bingo games in the back pews, and travelling toga salesmen in the dark narthex.

60) His disciples then woke up, and jostled each other in order to appear to have heard Jesus, for there would be a post-sermon cross-examination of them, and they were already afraid of the inevitable failing grade.

61) When Jesus saw His disciples, he said: "What'd I just say, Matt?"

62) "Shake thy cobwebs from thy droopy eyes, and leave the building if I'm keeping you from needed REM sleep."

63) "The flesh quickeneth, but the Spirit hovers like a taxman or pitbull around your neck."

64) "If the Spirit quickeneth, then the electrical currents are interfered with, and the TV rabbit ears will have to be dug up out of mothballs."

65) "I fain would lie down."

66) After this lengthy speech, the accountants jumped into their Datsuns and sped across the desert in total confusion.

67) Then said Jesus unto His disciples: "Will you also leave so unkindly?"

68) Then Simon Saltpetre said: "Lord, whither shall we go? The bars have been closed for three hours, and the 3 for 1 sales have been rolled back."

69) "And we believe that, yes, yes, ye are the Holy One, but when will the dancefloors be refurbished?"

70) And Jesus said: "Have I not chosen you well? And is not one of you a stoolpigeon for the Shriners Guild?"

71) He spake of Judas Escargot, for that one was always trailing like a snail or slug behind the coattails of the sycophants, not joining in the licking of feet, and brownnosing of the Holy Bottom.

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