Friday, March 28, 2008

More New Testament Shenanigans


(Chapter 3)

1) There was a man of the Cyclops invaders named Nickleremus, ruler of the Fools.

2) He came like multiple-hearted briefs in the night, and said unto Jesus: "Rabbi, we know you hold the master keys for all the suburban discos, for no man can do these miracles using only magick spells that they sell to ridiculously gullible Japanese tourists at inflated prices at the visitors' bureau."

3) Jesus answered: "Lo! Then put aside thy mimicking of Herefords and Jerseys, and verily and truly I say unto youse guys: except a man be born with accordion eyelids, he cannot enter into the Kingdom of Everlasting Moonwalks."

4) "That which is born of the Flesh is fit for poontanging of a long weekend. And that which is born of the Spirit is fit for a white sheet."

5-7) "Marvel not that I say: Youse must needs be born in sinuous glory."

8) The wind bloweth not unlike Linda Lovelace in typhoon season during the initial releasing of electron combustibles, and it listeth and tosseth and is generally a bitch."

9) Nickleremus answered: "Huh?"

10) Jesus continued: "Are you the King of the Granola Bar, and know not these things?"

11) "Verily and truly I say unto you, you speak as if a viper has deposited great festering offal into your pantaloons."

12) "If I tell you that the Disco is closed for repairs to the dance floor after Ernest's compounded weight has caused a seismic shift in the earth's centre, do you believe?"

13) "And no man shall ascend to the box seats until he shows the requisite payola."

14) "And as Moses riffed with the Serpent in the desert whilst waiting for Brooke Shields to float by on a regatta, even so must the Son of man be ensconced in a shady hammock."

15) "That whosoever shall believe in Him shall not perish from lack of dance partners, but shall have everlasting boogie fever."

16) "For God so loved the world, that He rained down great spermy arcs upon the beleaguered heads of the wandering mystics."

17) "For God sent His son to condemn the heathenish samba wrigglers, but ended up doing the watusi Himself."

18) "He that believeth in Him shall pass Go and collect coupons. He that does NOT believeth ... well, no trick or treats."

19) "Light and darkness are manifest, but only the proselytizers of Altamira say they save."

20) "Whosoever hates the light is a bat and an ogre and a myopic codger out of lockstep with their medication."

21) "But he that doeth truth shall get accolades with more abstract platitudes."

22) After Jesus ran short of breath, the disciples flogged themselves with short, tasty whips and chainmail (chainLINKmail, that is. Chain mail was a further invention which would cause great grief and misunderstanding in the internet Kingdom.)

23) John was baptized in a vat of boiling pigs' feet.

24) For John was on weekend furlough from his bad rap.

25) Then there was a cackling about some finer points in the Great Book, for the first scriptural dissemblers had already begun their political agitations.

26) And they said unto John: "Hey, Dude, like what did you get the time for, like, y'know, just fire up a spliff and RELAX, man!"

27) John answered: "A man can do nothing except it be either a happy face in his pants or a savage salute from his personal secretary."

28) "I am not the Christ, but by Christ, I'll let loose with a volley of braggadocio in seventy-five tongues."

29) "The bridegroom may continue to flog his meat after marriage while the best man looks fondly upon the bride, but I say, these things are mere passing fancies that the Lord A-Mighty likes to entertain Himself with, as one would do flipping channels."

30) "He must tend to the bureaucracy, but I get to play golf three days a week."

31) "And He testifieth, and has green hickeys from pantheistic ghosts."

32) "And no man can recant His testimony."

33) "And God is True, but beware of the fossils of doom."

34) "For when God speaketh, even Ernest is still bewildered."

35) "The Father loveth His son, like we love the seventh day of debauchery."

36) "He that believeth in God, shall feel oats being wildly sewn into his Levis, somewhat akin to a self-stimulating machine never out of batteries."

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